


and in these words i'll find myself

by ekleipsis



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, it's soft frog hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:22:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24838369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ekleipsis/pseuds/ekleipsis
Summary: Dex thinks to himself: maybe hehasfallen in love. Just not the way the world expects him to.
Relationships: Chris "Chowder" Chow & Derek "Nursey" Nurse & William "Dex" Poindexter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	and in these words i'll find myself

It’s their last night in Maine when Dex finally puts things into words.

“Have you ever been in love?” Chowder asks, staring at the waves with the wonder of someone who has loved, and loves deeply.

It’s a Frog annual tradition that Nursey had started, one Dex never thought he’d believe in, but one they’ve all come to treasure. Two summers ago, they spent a week sightseeing in New York, and last summer in San Francisco was more of the same. But this year, this week, in Maine, has been more about Dex’s family falling in love with his friends and letting his friends fall in love with the ocean. Not that he can blame any of them. 

Nursey lets out a low, soft laugh. “God, yes,” he says, leaning back against the sand. 

Chowder hums. “I think I’m in love with Cait.” 

Dex rolls his eyes and grins. “I think anyone who’s met you can tell.”

“Yeah, C,” Nursey says, “You look at her like she hung the moon.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chowder smiles bashfully. “I like saying it.”

“She’s a lucky woman,” Nursey says, nudging their friend. Then, “I fell in love with my high school boyfriend.” Dex turns to look at him and finds his eyes glossed over, but bright and alive with a fire Dex knows he purposefully dampens year round. “We were the only queer men of color in our year, and when I was with him I felt like I could take on the world.”

“What happened to him?” Chowder asks.

Nursey tilts his head, searching for the right words. “We crashed and burned,” he says eventually. “You know those relationships where everything’s really intense but really unstable? Like, there are no foundations and you rely on your feelings or whatever the entire time.”

Chowder nods knowingly, but Dex watches them quietly.

“Anyway, we broke up before I came to Samwell,” Nursey continues. “I think I’ll always carry a part of him with me, but I’m a lot happier without him.”

That, Dex thinks he can understand. He knows how much lighter he feels at Samwell without the burden of his parents’ love and all the conditions that come with. Sometimes he wonders if it’s a burden he wants to bear, and he thinks of the relief that comes with freedom.

“What are you thinking about, Dex?” Chowder says, watching Dex curiously. Chowder’s love, however, is a grounding weight that steadies Dex more than his own stubbornness. 

Dex shrugs. “Lots of things.”

“You ever been in love?” 

He stills just for a second, the blood rushing to his face and his heartbeat suddenly loud in his ears. He says, calmly, “Not really,” and braces himself. 

“Chill,” Nursey replies and Chowder nods, neither too concerned. Relieved, Dex turns towards the water, watching the push and pull of the tide.

But it’s that time of night of unspoken secrecy and vulnerability, of loose tongues and open hearts, and the thing with timing is that it’s never perfect, so Dex lets his confession slip out, something he’s not admitted to anyone, barely audible above the whispering waves. “I’ve never even been kissed.” It’s not like it’s scandalous, but Dex is twenty, almost twenty-one, and he’s heard enough jokes about pent-up sexual frustration to know that it’s not exactly… _normal_.

At first, he’s not sure if either of them heard, but after a moment, Nursey says, “Chill.”

“It’s not like you need to have kissed someone to fall in love,” Chowder adds.

“I know,” Dex says. “But there’s never been anyone. It’s that sometimes–” He clears his throat. “Sometimes it scares me. ”

“Why?” Chowder asks, his eyes big and shining with worry. “I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

“Yeah, Dex, you’re a catch.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not that.” If he’s honest, “I’m actually– okay with not finding anyone. At least for now.” He’s made his peace with his single status, even made his peace with staying closeted from his parents. It’s something else, something he doesn’t quite know how to explain. It’s like– “I’ve learnt to be happy. With the people around me, and with the decisions I’m making for myself, and everything else.” He’s going to captain a winning hockey team, graduate surrounded by his found family, and hopefully get a well-paying job close to them and never have to worry about money again. Dex has found love and fulfilment in places his parents weren’t expecting for him, but he’s defied many of their other expectations, too. 

“It’s more that– Everyone around me is falling in love or getting engaged. And I’ve– never been kissed. Never had someone tell me they like me, never been on a date. And it’s– there are all these things that I’ve never experienced, but I want to. It’s just.” He stops. Thinks. “I feel like I’m being left behind. And it’s my choice!” he adds when Chowder starts to protest. “But I’m scared–” And this– this is the tricky part, the part he’s never quite managed or even tried to explain.

He sighs. “I’m scared that when I _am_ finally ready, no one will want me.” And _oh_. That. That feels like a weight off his chest, and he knows he’s found the right words. There’s still a multitude of things he wants to say: how he’s scared of other people’s judgement, of their condescension and their pity; how he’s scared of being lonely and misunderstood; how he’s fucking terrified of being left aside, especially by his friends, for marriage and nuclear families and all things “traditional”– because their world, for all the love it holds, places romance above all else, and that’s not something Dex can see changing any time soon. 

But something’s been unlocked within him, and he knows those conversations will come eventually. So for now he sits with these words and treasures them for the weight they’ve lifted.

Finally, he looks to his friends and watches as they digest what he’s said, protests and words of comfort teetering on the tips of their tongues. But patience is a virtue they’ve all had to learn, and he sees the moment they accept what he’s said, and leave him be. Sometimes, with Dex, he’s not looking for comfort. Just a listening ear and an open mind.

The silence stretches out in front of them, almost as seemingly endless as the ocean itself, but, eventually, Nursey says, “That’s fair,” and Chowder nods in agreement.

It’s acceptance without understanding, and Dex feels relief flood him.

“You know I really love you guys,” he says. And then Nursey’s punching him and Chowder’s tackling him in a hug.

“Well we’d _know_ if you told us more often!” Chowder cries into his ear. Crushed beneath him, his arms wrapped tight around his friend, Dex laughs.

“Chill, C, Dex grew up gay and repressed and Republican, cut him some slack,” Nursey chirps, but his face is fond and his eyes are shining and Dex’s heart swells. He grins at Nursey, who grins back.

“Listen,” he says, pushing himself up, Chowder still clinging to him, “we can’t all be in tune with our inner poets and shit. Some of us are emotionally dumb.”

“I don’t know, Dex,” Nursey says. “You seemed pretty in touch with your emotions just now.”

Dex blushes and looks away. “Yeah, well.”

Chowder turns his head from the crook of Dex’s neck to look at Nursey. “Are you gonna stop chirping him and get in on this cuddle pile, or what?” 

Dex snickers. “Yeah, Nurse, we’re not really feeling the love, here.” But when he holds a hand out towards him, he also sends him a smile that he hopes shows how grateful he is. From the way Nursey smiles back, the message is received.

Nursey takes his hand and Dex pulls him in, falling backwards against the sand. Chowder sighs into the hug, and Nursey laughs into his ear. Dex feels the vibrations in his chest and something in him settles. 

It’s there in the sand, between the quiet whispering ocean and the soft hush of the cool summer breeze, in the liminality of midnight hours and summer vacation, with his two best friends happy and warm in his arms, that Dex thinks to himself: maybe he _has_ fallen in love. Just not the way the world expects him to.

**Author's Note:**

> this is more comfort than hurt, mainly bc i wrote this at 3 am last night just trying to get some feelings out haha  
> it's not a topic that gets discussed a lot, if at all, so maybe i'll expand on this, maybe i won't. in any case dex could be aro in this, i'll leave that up to interpretation  
> i'm on tumblr @stanthefrogs ^_^


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